Sunday, May 3, 2009

Musings on My Mama

I have an appointment with somebody to scan some of my old pictures soon, but in the meantime, I wanted to put something on this post. The picture below is cropped from the little altar of things we set up right after my mom passed over. A little crooked, but better than nothing.
Today marks the 1 year anniversary of my mother's passing. It came as a complete shock to me the morning I got the call, and of course I am still processing what it means to have her "gone". Ron asked me today if I was feeling sad, and I said I was very sad thinking about the relationship we *didn't* have. My mom and I didn't have a bad relationship, but we weren't super close either. I am also sad when I think about how much she was looking forward to her new granddaughter that she never got to meet.

So I am spending some time thinking about her today, and remembering what a fierce mama bear she could be. There is one story that stands out for me I always remember fondly. My parents had gone away somewhere for a short trip and left me with my grandma when I was in Middle School. I got sick and stayed home for a day, and my grandma wrote my note, but it wasn't considered valid as she was not my legal guardian, and they marked it down as a truancy. Lord help those office people when they got home. My mom stormed in there and tore the staff up. She was a Scorpio. It was a bad idea to get her mad.

The thing that has been most surprising to me is how much of a void I do feel although I didn't see her much in recent years. My dad is still alive, but he is quite elderly himself, and I wonder how long he will choose to stay in that big house where he is so lonely. When I think of him not being there, I realize there will be no more ability to ever "go home". Of course, that is not my true home, and was not even the home I grew up in, so why do I feel that? Maybe it is because I have moved so much as an adult. Or maybe it is because I have gone to stay there for short periods when I needed to a couple times. It is really that sense of having family you know you can count on if times got really rough. I have other extended family, and I suppose I could turn to them if in a severe crisis, but it would seem awkward probably.

So that part is really more about me than her I guess. Well, I guess anything I have to say is really about me. She was a great lady in many ways. She had a very sad childhood that I always wanted to learn more about, but she was reluctant to talk about it. I am sure it shaped so much of who she was as an adult. She was a woman who cared deeply about her family, and I am glad I grew up so close to her mother, who was like a matriarch for our extended family when I was younger.

I have been going through old pictures, and I am so sad that I never got more information from my mom about most of them. I am going to get them scanned and maybe send them to some others in my family who might know. Many people say something along the lines of, make those connections with loved ones in the moment, because you never know when that opportunity will be taken away from you. So, so true. But most of us never really learn these lessons until life beats you over the head with them.

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