Musings on My Mama

I have an appointment with somebody to scan some of my old pictures soon, but in the meantime, I wanted to put something on this post. The picture below is cropped from the little altar of things we set up right after my mom passed over. A little crooked, but better than nothing.
Today marks the 1 year anniversary of my mother's passing. It came as a complete shock to me the morning I got the call, and of course I am still processing what it means to have her "gone". Ron asked me today if I was feeling sad, and I said I was very sad thinking about the relationship we *didn't* have. My mom and I didn't have a bad relationship, but we weren't super close either. I am also sad when I think about how much she was looking forward to her new granddaughter that she never got to meet.

So I am spending some time thinking about her today, and remembering what a fierce mama bear she could be. There is one story that stands out for me I always remember fondly. My parents had gone away somewhere for a short trip and left me with my grandma when I was in Middle School. I got sick and stayed home for a day, and my grandma wrote my note, but it wasn't considered valid as she was not my legal guardian, and they marked it down as a truancy. Lord help those office people when they got home. My mom stormed in there and tore the staff up. She was a Scorpio. It was a bad idea to get her mad.

The thing that has been most surprising to me is how much of a void I do feel although I didn't see her much in recent years. My dad is still alive, but he is quite elderly himself, and I wonder how long he will choose to stay in that big house where he is so lonely. When I think of him not being there, I realize there will be no more ability to ever "go home". Of course, that is not my true home, and was not even the home I grew up in, so why do I feel that? Maybe it is because I have moved so much as an adult. Or maybe it is because I have gone to stay there for short periods when I needed to a couple times. It is really that sense of having family you know you can count on if times got really rough. I have other extended family, and I suppose I could turn to them if in a severe crisis, but it would seem awkward probably.

So that part is really more about me than her I guess. Well, I guess anything I have to say is really about me. She was a great lady in many ways. She had a very sad childhood that I always wanted to learn more about, but she was reluctant to talk about it. I am sure it shaped so much of who she was as an adult. She was a woman who cared deeply about her family, and I am glad I grew up so close to her mother, who was like a matriarch for our extended family when I was younger.

I have been going through old pictures, and I am so sad that I never got more information from my mom about most of them. I am going to get them scanned and maybe send them to some others in my family who might know. Many people say something along the lines of, make those connections with loved ones in the moment, because you never know when that opportunity will be taken away from you. So, so true. But most of us never really learn these lessons until life beats you over the head with them.

CA Monday

Sarah stayed another night in Simi. Well, actually she had no way back to LA. :) We have been going through tons of pictures together, and have put some up along with all the cards my dad has been getting. You can't really see them very well here, but there is a really cool old one all the way on the right. Just in front of it, with the angel on the front, is one of the announcements from the funeral. The one about three from the left in front is me and my parents at my 21st birthday party. But the one leaning on the blue dish was the best find. My dad had told the pastor the story about driving way out of the way once on a roadtrip to see the actual "supposed" Big Rock Candy Mountain. It turned out to be a bit of a disappointment, but of course we snapped a picture. You can't see it at all here because of the glare, but that is what it is! I got back out in the afternoon briefly after talking to Pam. I started thinking I haven't done anything to address the breech issue and should be thinking about it a bit. So I called Pam to see if she thought I should try maybe getting a chiro or acupuncture appointment for the Friday before I see her on Saturday. She suggested acupuncture and grabbing some pulsatilla to start now. I also wanted to get some envelopes that would be a good fit for my mom's announcements. My dad has talked about sending them out to those who couldn't make it a few times, but I have a feeling it won't get done unless I do it. Missions accomplished at Staples and Lassen's, and back home to address and stuff envelopes.

We had planned on going to a local cafe for dinner, and that turned out to be the most challenging thing I have done since being here. Orion was completely out of sorts. It was weird - like he had the overtired clumsies. I mean, he is never great in restaurants, but this was in a whole different league. He kept hitting his head and getting hurt in other ways. And then he would scream.... We went outside a couple times until he could calm down. But the hardest part is that Sarah was freaking out about it. She has been so great and helpful with Orion the whole time, but she went on a rant tonight about how he needs consequences and has no respect and ....

I have felt challenged before talking about parenting to friends and family, but I think the hardest person to talk to is your older child who you did things differently with. I started trying to explain what I have learned and why we are doing things differently, but she was pretty out of sorts about the whole thing. I just tried to get O through it with alot of compassion, and we all managed to live through it. :)

Then Sarah and Josh wanted to go to Blockbuster and rent a movie. That was interesting. Orion had never been to a rental place before, and I think it was overstim city! He ran all over up and down the aisles, but at least Sarah had seemed to regain some of her patience at that point. :) Back at home, they took over bath (and blowdryer) again. Josh even came in to help with jammies and read the Tractor Book in his best farmer accent LOL.

After bedtime, this was the cute scene on the living room floor. :)
They picked a movie called 27 dresses. It was pretty cute. I'll be taking them back to LA tomorrow, and then it will be almost time to go back to Oregon. Seems like it has really gone by fast....

CA Saturday at The Lake Shrine

The morning had some interesting and funny moments. First, my dad pointed out that the lilies he had planted for my mom awhile ago suddenly died. He has never been a very "woowoo" type, but he clearly thought this was freaky. Then he started talking about the weather, and how it had been pretty overcast and chilly the entire time I have been here (which is really weird for this time of year) but how it was clear and beautiful just during the funeral. So I say to my dad, "Well I guess mom is up there nagging God. If anybody could nag him into changing the weather, it would be her." He thought that was pretty funny. :)

The rest of the day was a mixture of frustrating and nice. Sarah has been getting into all sorts of alternative spirituality stuff lately, and has been reading a big encyclopedia style book lately. The other day she did that thing where you open to a spot to see what message it has for you, and it was something from the Upanishads. It immediately made me think of the Lake Shrine on Sunset, especially since she lives so close to it. It hit me all at once that she really needed to go there. I haven't been leaving my dad at home alone much, but I thought this was important. I used to go there all the time when I was at UCLA if I was sick or sad. I also told her about the Ananda community and that Orion was going to be going to their preschool in Portland in the fall.

So what was frustrating? The fact that we had set up a meeting time and I couldn't get Sarah on the phone! I went to "the ghetto mansion" first, where she said she was going to be, but I didn't get an answer on Josh or Katie's phone, and nobody was answering their buzzer system. So I figured I would drive over to Josh's just to kill time, and I wasn't sure if maybe he was staying there and I was going to have to get him anyway. Same deal. Still no answers and then I couldn't find Josh's name on the directory. Argh! So I started heading back to TGM. At this point I was getting pretty annoyed. I had already left several voice and text messages, and I left one final one saying if I hadn't heard from somebody by the time I got back there, I was heading back to Simi.

Sarah finally called, and sure enough, they had just been asleep after a stressful late night. Damn kids. But there was no point in being bent out of shape and ruining the rest of the day, so I just headed over to pick them up. Katie had hurt her ankle pretty badly the night before, so she couldn't come, although she had wanted to, so we headed out with Sarah and Josh.

It was cool to be back here after so many years! It wasn't quite the calming and meditative experience I used to have with Orion running around, but it was still awesome. Sarah loved it and saw the potential despite the distraction. :) She even called Katie and told her they should come here every day. And she picked up some flyers about the services, which are at a temple even closer to where she lives.

The first thing we spied and thought Orion would like were all the turtles in the lake. See the little mama and baby on the rock? So cute.
This is part of the Mahatma Gandhi World Peace Memorial. There are actually a portion of Gandhi's ashes here - I believe the only place in the US.
A Kwan Yin close up.
Sarah reading the sign.
View of the lake from the Memorial.
There are lots of little religious figures hidden away on the hillsides, including this Krishna.
And there are signs like this all around the lake as well.
The Memorial from the other side of the lake.
The swans on the lake are really tame because there are a couple places they leave food out for them for visitors to feed them. They will eat right from your hand. The food was mostly gone, but we found a couple pieces in the crevices to hand over.
Buddha on the hill.
Another view of the Memorial from the rose garden.
Part of the Court of Religions. There is a pillar for each of the major religions with a symbol. Sarah had to get a shot of her Om tat next to the Om symbol.
My close up
Little Mary grotto in the sunken garden.

We stopped in at the gift store on the way out and picked up a few things. I got Orion a flute, Sarah got a couple books, and we both got the same Om brass hanging with little bells. We stopped back at TGM so Sarah could cook up some of her famous pasta, and then we finally got back on the road to Simi. Long day, but I am really glad we went.

CA Thursday - Funeral Day :(

This is a hard day to write about, but I think it is still important to journal it. I knew the start was going to be the hardest. My mom was very clear that she did not want a viewing, but my dad really wanted to see her. My brother adamantly did NOT, so I thought I should go with him. I pretty much think about the body like an empty shell at this point, but I wanted to support my dad. So they set it up for us to have a short private time with her. Ron came in this morning, and his mom picked him up at the airport. They got there just shortly before we headed out. He is only able to stay until tomorrow morning since he got an interview, but I am glad he is here for today.

On the way over to the funeral home, my dad started saying he didn't know if he wanted to see her! He was kindof acting like he just assumed I wanted to. (I hadn't said anything either way.) I wasn't sure what to say, because my brother had told me before I got there it seemed really important to him, and he has been all over the place with other stuff. Then he started talking about how I at least need to go check on her because he has heard stories about them putting the wrong body in the coffin or the wrong outfit on. I thought this was a totally crazy thing to be thinking of, but it is a horrible "what if". And I guess it is bound to happen at some point, even if it is one in a million. Then he said he was afraid he would break down, and I told him that is what he is supposed to do.

While walking in, I said something about hoping he would not regret it if he didn't go in, and he said right away that he wanted to. The weird thing is, I started crying the moment I walked in the room, and I totally wasn't expecting to do that. I think it was partly because she just looked SO old. She looked exactly like her mom had at the end in the hospital right before she died. I couldn't help but wonder if that was actually what she looked like or if it was because it was a few days after her death. I didn't want to ask my dad.... The other thing I noticed was she had large noticeable cancers on her neck. Those were not there just in February when we were here. My brother had made some comments about how this was a blessing because she was getting to a place where she had stuff that was going to show since the doctors had pretty much said they were done treating her. For better or worse, my mom was a vain woman, and indeed it would have bothered her. She was a knockout beauty in her youth and had a hard time with getting old.

We stayed in the chapel for awhile, until my dad said he was ready to go. I think he was glad he went in. Then we had a little bit of time at the house before it was time to head to the cemetery. The service had quite a good turnout. There were some relatives and friends there from Northern California and other far off places. It was great to see some of them I haven't seen in a long time. Josh and Katie were there with Sarah, and even Katie's mom came. We were hoping to meet last time I was in CA. This was kindof a weird way to meet, but it was nice that she came. Orion stayed with Josh almost the whole time. I thought he would want to run around on the grass, but he was happy with Josh holding him. Again, thank God for Josh!

The one thing my mom had always asked for was for Sarah to sing at her funeral. She even knew the exact song. She was pretty shaken up, though, and didn't think she could do it. She had printed out a bunch of the lyrics, though, so she could pass them out to folks, so I said I would just read them. Not your average funeral song! I think maybe this is my mom's idea of paradise:

Big Rock Candy Mountain

One evening as the sun went down and the jungle fire was burning Down the track came a hobo hiking and he said boys I'm not turning I'm headin for a land that's far away beside the crystal fountains So come with me we'll go and see the Big Rock Candy Mountains In the Big Rock Candy Mountains there's a land that's fair and bright Where the handouts grow on bushes and you sleep out every night Where the boxcars are all empty and the sun shines every day On the birds and the bees and the cigarette trees Where the lemonade springs where the bluebird sings In the Big Rock Candy Mountains In the Big Rock Candy Mountains all the cops have wooden legs And the bulldogs all have rubber teeth and the hens lay soft boiled eggs The farmer's trees are full of fruit and the barns are full of hay Oh, I'm bound to go where there ain't no snow Where the rain don't fall and the wind don't blow In the Big Rock Candy Mountains In the Big Rock Candy Mountains you never change your socks And the little streams of alcohol come a-trickling down the rocks The brakemen have to tip their hats and the railroad bulls are blind There's a lake of stew and of whiskey too You can paddle all around 'em in a big canoe In the Big Rock Candy Mountains In the Big Rock Candy Mountains the jails are made of tin And you can walk right out again as soon as you are in There ain't no short handled shovels, no axes saws or picks I'm a goin to stay where you sleep all day Where they hung the jerk that invented work In the Big Rock Candy Mountains I'll see you all this coming fall in the Big Rock Candy Mountains *************** So you can see she didn't want it to be a really sad affair. In that spirit, we were off to one of her favorite Mexican restaurants after the service. I think she would have liked it that we all gathered around Mex and Margaritas in her memory. :) I got a chance to talk to a few folks and catch up, while Josh was being his usual patient self as Orion stuck his fingers in his food and created all manner of other mischief. It still felt like a long day by the time we got home. We were all tired and pretty much just flaked out the rest of the day. I didn't really feel like taking pictures, although I suppose it would have been nice at the restaurant, but Ron did take this one of the coffin detail: The one thing my dad did talk about was how much she loved red roses, so I was glad he spoke up as I probably would have picked pink.

CA Wednesday

The obituary came out today.... My dad had such a strong reaction to it. First he kindof laughed. I think it was because her picture looked so nice. I wanted to choose an old timey one, but we ended up picking one from about 20 years ago that she looked really nice in. The next thing I knew, he was crying. Then he shoved the whole paper at me and told me to take it away. :( Then about 15 minutes later, he wanted it back. Then he just kept holding on to it and finally cut it out and taped it to the wall in his office. I guess this is all normal, but it is just hard to see him like this. :(

Sad Monday

This morning we had the oh so cheerful business of the official meeting at the funeral home.
My brother had mentioned they already went in, so I thought some of the arrangements had been made. But I guess all they did was look at a few coffins, and for some reason, my dad really wanted me to make alot of the decisions. :( Thank goodness there were several things he spoke up on, because I really didn't want to do it all and there were some things I wouldn't even have known. It did fall totally to me to pick the poem for the little folder they hand out at the service. My brother said he never even looks at them. At least his girlfriend liked what I picked, so I felt I wasn't all alone in the decision. And I was relieved everybody agreed about some of the details like not wanting to have pallbearers and not wanting to stay for the actual burial.

I will say, the people at the funeral home were amazingly helpful. Maybe they all do everything for you, but I really felt these folks went above and beyond. They took care of entering and paying for the obituary, obtaining and paying the minister and even setting up the reception.
My dad really didn't want people in the house, so we decided to go to a restaurant near the cemetary called Las Toros. It is a place we have used for all kinds of family functions, including my dad's surprise 70th birthday party. We used to eat there all the time when we lived in Chatsworth. The guy helping us called the restaurant to set up the time and even pulled up buffet menus online for us to choose from.

One thing I got to thinking about was if my dad was sure if my mom wanted me to have her ring. What if she wanted to be buried with it? So I asked him, and he said she had actually taken it off in the hospital and told him to give it to me. She has been in and out of the hospital several times, so I can't help but think she knew it was her time. This doesn't really go with his story that made it sound like she seemed fine during the night, but I guess that is just where his head was. :(

Then we had the task of getting home and calling people to let them know when the funeral would be (Thursday). At least we have a few people in our family that our good at keeping track of people and were willing to spread the news.

One of the positives that has come out of this so far was getting to talk to my niece, Tessi. The last time I saw her, she was pregnant and I totally inundated her with information! She was already on her way to planning a natural birth and all sorts of other cool stuff, so I had to make sure she was tanked up with resources haha. I had gotten a little secondhand news of her, but this was the first time I had talked to her in ages. It turns out she is in the process of applying to be a La Leche League leader! And she said she has gotten really involved with her local Attachment Parenting group and the homeschooling community. Yay! A soul sister in my family.

I got over to the dollar store to buy Orion several things in the afternoon. I don't know why I shop there since the stuff is so cheap and breaks so easily, but at least I was able to get a bunch of stuff.

We saw these foam swords and shields just as we were leaving and had to add them to the lot.
Josh occupying Orion for ages. TGFJ

Another positive so far has been getting to spend time with Sarah. And she has been so amazingly helpful. She has come in and checked the dishwasher and cleaned up the kitchen both days. And they are really helpful with Orion and wanting to do things to help me rest. They even are saying they want to come make dinner on Wednesday.

In California

We got to CA without too much stress. Portland had something new at the airport, or at least it didn't get mentioned to us last time. There were some really friendly people at the security check who directed us to a family line. And then the people in that line were really friendly, patient, helpful, etc. We ended up with an extra easy time of it because they let Ron come in with us. I told them at the desk my back really hurt and I needed help, and they just gave him a pass. BUT, it also turned out his license had expired yesterday! So he had to go to the other crazy thorough line. No big deal because he took the two things I was carrying on. Orion and I breezed right through and went to the gate to get our seats together. By the time we got back, Ron was almost done. And by the time we walked to the terminal, it was time to get on the plane. We couldn't have had better timing!

The flight was pretty good, although we sure had some grouchy flight attendants. And they put us in the front row which meant we had to put our stuff above and I couldn't get my tray out because it came out of the armrest and my belly was too big! Also, Orion seemed to have a shorter attention span than last time. I wonder if it had something to do with having the DS AND the DVD player. Last time, he was perfectly happy to watch Little Einsteins, but this time he kept wanting to go back and forth between the two.

Orion said something really cute and funny on the flight. I saw a little plane fairly close to ours during our ascent and pointed it out to him. He asked, "Do big planes make little planes?" Haha, funny boy.

Getting the luggage was a bit tricky as Orion started running around amidst the passengers, and I couldn't follow him very well. Rose and Jim had missed their turn and weren't there yet, so I figured I would just gather everything up and be stuck at the carousel until they got there.
But some nice man offered to help me take everything out to the curb. Yay for nice strangers!
They really are everywhere you go if you are open to help I am finding.

I knew the rest of the day was going to be really hard and was just hoping for the best with Orion. My brother was there when I got to Simi. I am glad they have been able to be with him so much. The first thing my dad did was come up to me with my mom's wedding ring and wanted me to wear it. :( He was crying of course, and I have a really hard time not crying when other people are crying. Not that there is anything wrong with crying, but I was wondering if it would freak Orion out. The funny thing was, I totally expected him to start asking questions about my mom, but he never did. I know Ron talked to him at home about death, so I am wondering if it actually sunk in at some level. He did go right to the closet where she had some toys for him last time and asked, "Where are Grandma's toys?" I told him we took them all home last time, and that was pretty much the end of him talking about her for the day.

Sarah came up in the afternoon. I think she was afraid to get here before I did. She has been really emotional and probably figured it would be even harder at the house. But she headed right up with Katie and Josh when she heard we had landed. Her Grandpa sure was glad to see her.

I wasn't in the mood for taking many pictures, but thought I should try to snap a few while I am here. This was about par for the course for the day. I will start saying, "Thank God for Josh" again now like I kept saying last time!
Here is my poor Dad trying to write an obituary. I think I will be taking this task over. That is a big magnifying glass at his right side. He doesn't see well to read let alone write.


The first night here was a bit rough. Sarah didn't feel like sleeping here and went back to LA.
My dad asked us to sleep in their bed, which I wasn't thrilled about, but also didn't want to hurt his feelings. To be honest, I was really glad Orion said he didn't want to. He is used to sleeping in a different room when he is here, so that made it easier to tell my dad we were going to stick with that one. And sure enough, the monsters reappeared. So it wasn't just the woods being scary. I guess it has more to do with being away from home. He has always been such a good little traveler, but maybe this just goes with his age... or everything else going on. He did say one really funny thing. The room we usually sleep in is like a storage room. It contains all my mom's sewing and craft stuff, as well as all sorts of stuff that was destined for her antique booth. There is all manner of crazy junk in there. For some reason, there was an oversized troll doll standing on a stool near the foot of the pull out bed. It was clearly a boy and had gray hair. Orion said, "That's Grandpa when he was a boy!" You kindof have to see it to get how funny it is, but I don't think I am going to have room to bring it home.

What a day, what a day

I don't even know where to start. How do you describe a day that is your husband's birthday and you get a call the same morning that your mom just died? The crazy things was, she went to the hospital the day before, and my dad didn't even call me! He had it in his head I am about to give birth any time and didn't want to freak me out. Same goes for the fact he didn't call right when it happened, which was around 3 in the morning. So we got a call from Ron's mom before we heard from my Dad! I called him right away and got the details. I am writing out the story here so I will be able to remember it well. If you are somebody reading this who is not interested in all the sadness, just skip the next paragraph.

Some time in the late afternoon of Friday, my mom got up to go to the bathroom and had a major blood pressure drop. Her head fell over when she was sitting, so my dad rushed over to shake her and call her name. She wasn't responding, so the nurse called 911. (She was given a full time hospice nurse just recently.) It is weird how this sticks in my memory so vividly, but I remember my dad chuckling as he told the story a couple times. I guess it made me feel like he was doing OK. He did this when he mentioned they sent multiple ambulences over. I am guessing he meant something more like more than one thing with a siren, but not really sure. So she went to emergency and they worked for a long time with drugs to get her stable, which happened around 9pm. She was conscious and seemed fine at this point I guess. They put her in a regular room and brought my dad a huge chair he could sleep in (that was the other thing he chuckled about - he called it the "executive chair"). He said they watched some TV and he sat with her until she fell asleep. Then he went to sleep but woke up around 3am. Everything still looked fine, so he went to tell the nurses he was going to run home. He got to worrying he hadn't even shut the door to the house when he ran out. The house is very close to the hospital. He was probably only gone about 15 minutes, but her heart suddenly failed in that time, and that is when she passed. I know my dad feels terrible it happened that way, but I really think she may have chosen it. She always talked about not wanting people to see her a certain way and wanting to be alone at the end, so I truly think this is what she wanted.

At least we didn't have any major birthday plans to cancel. We were playing it by ear anyway depending on the weather. I had bought some picnic food we hoped to take out some place, but that was about it. The rest of the day seems surreal now. The first thing I had to do was decide what dates I would go to California and get online for tickets. Then I started slowly packing some things. I had started Ron's cake the day before, so I was determined to do at least that much for his birthday. The crazy thing was how fast the day went. It was like I was in some kind of time warp. It was into the afternoon before I knew it, and of course my back went out after sitting on the bed and twisting around folding and organizing clothes. But I somehow hobbled through finishing Ron's cake, and then I sat down to frost and decorate it.

I doubt I would have even taken a picture, but Ron had promised his peeps on the Atkins forum that he would show it to them after going on about it the first time I made it.

This year's theme was Superman as you can see. The day I finally made it to the party store, there was really not much choice in anything Ron would like for things that had cake toppers, so I decided to buy some toys to put on top. It worked out fairly well I think.

Orion patiently waiting. If you look closely, you an see he already has frosting smears around his mouth from licking the bowl.

Getting through to Sarah was a whole story on its own. Her cell phone is not working, so I usually get ahold of her through her boyfriend or best friend. I couldn't get either of them, but left a message for her to call me. I didn't hear from her, so I finally decided to send a text to her boyfriend's phone. I really didn't want to tell her that way, but she hasn't been great about returning calls in the past, even if I say it is important. She got back to me in the afternoon and was so hysterical she couldn't even talk. :( I think that is going to be harder for me than my own reaction. She had to call me back when she calmed down a little and said she will meet me in Simi tomorrow.

So I made it through the day somehow. Time has a funny way of marching on no matter what life throws at us. The next couple weeks should be interesting to say the least.