Siblings Without Rivalry

I am finally reading Siblings Without Rivalry by Faber and Mazlish. I have been putting it off, thinking I won't really need the techniques until Akasha is a bit older, but I am so glad I read it, because there is actually a ton of stuff about helping a sibling deal with a new baby in the family.

One of the first things that struck me was the part about how much your "sibling story" plays into who you become as an adult. I think this is so true in Ron's case. He has often said he thinks he is a workaholic because there is a part of him still trying to please his father, and it makes sense in relation to his sister. He has explained how Germans think boys need toughening up and girls should be spoiled, so I am sure that made his father's treatment of him seem all the worse.

Then I thought it didn't really apply to me, because my brother and sister were so much older, but then I had an "aha" moment. My brother and sister were both always so great to me, but they MUST have been somewhat resentful, because I was ridiculously spoiled when young. I didn't realize that until I was older, and I feel badly about it now, but I didn't have a clue back then. Now I wonder if that is somehow tied to the way I always feel like people don't like me, even when they act like they do.... Of course Ron says all women feel that way, so maybe I am just normal with that!

I liked about 90% of the book and even noticed several things I could imagine myself saying that I never thought of as problematic, so I think it will be a great help to me. There were only a couple things I had problems with. The first was a continued use of what I think of as "victim language". I love it that they talked about validation so much, but their examples were often things like, "He made you really mad when he said that." I hate that "made you" crap.

My biggest peeve was how they handled bullying though. Their basic strategy is to pay attention to the victim. Hmmm, there is that word again. I totally disagree with that. Of course I understand you don't want to yell and scream, but looking for the underlying need is important, and you don't want to reinforce the victim mentality either!

Overall I still give it the thumbs up. At least I have gotten past my "throwing the baby out with the bathwater" phase with books. In the past, if there was one little thing I didn't like, it would ruin the whole book for me, but now I can see this book as an important resource for the things I did like. Maybe it is because I am more confident and clear in my parenting choices. It does make it hard to want to recommend it to others, however. I feel like I need to write up a list of resources along with "warnings" to go with them!